I originally published this post about a year ago, but since tech and protections change frequently, Iâve updated it with my latest thoughts as well as the most up-to-date resources and options for tech protections and phones.
If you have resources that should be included, please share in the comments!
Hey there friends,
At my church, I hosted a panel discussion at my church about Teens and Tech. We had a great conversation with real parents about how they're handling phone and social media questions with their kiddos, and after, we had two college staff come up and teach parents how to add protection to their children's devices. It was crazy helpful.
Over the past few years, I've done a lot of work in this area, and while I'm a firm believer that there are many incredible benefits to technology and social media (after all, my entire career has been built on it), I also personally understand the dangers. I have been misunderstood, trolled, and bullied online. I have come across images I can't get out of my mind, fallen into a trap of being fed unhealthy content on socials only to become anxious or lose sleep, and generally struggled with addiction to my phone. And these are things that are happening to me: an adult who has what experts would say the right "tools" to navigate the online world. I understand how to employ wisdom and discernment, have spent years developing muscles of self-control and moderation to take regular breaks, and I have a strong embodied community, sense of belonging, and understanding that I'm living for something bigger than myself (God).
When I think of my online experience, I honestly get frightened for today's children and how unprotected they are online. And not only unprotected, but preyed upon. You likely have seen the quote, but if not, read this from Sean Parker, one of the inventors of Facebook, and try not to get chills:
"The thought process that went into building these applications, Facebook being the first of them, ... was all about: 'How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?' And that means that we need to sort of give you a little dopamine hit every once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a post or whatever. And that's going to get you to contribute more content, and that's going to get you ... more likes and comments. It's a social-validation feedback loop ... exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with, because you're exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology. The inventors, creatorsâit's me, it's Mark [Zuckerberg], it's Kevin Systrom on Instagram, it's all of these peopleâunderstood this consciously. And we did it anyway." - Sean Parker
Why Delay Smartphone Use?
In the past 3-5 years a landfall of research has come out about the harmful effects not only of social media on children, but of smartphones themselvesâeven those without social media. Study after study proves that these devices in the hands of children (anyone under the age of 18) are leading to a complete reprogramming of how their brains work and process information. Teens are now experiencing fewer friendships, lower quality sleep, attention fragmentation, and overall addiction.
For girls who have smartphones, they consistently experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, sexual pressure, and feelings of being a social outcast. For boys, smartphone use has caused them to become less motivated, introverted, and lonely while struggling with lifelong addictions to porn.
These studies show that even with highly involved parents who are trying to monitor their children's phone and social media use, it's not working. Even the best kids can get addicted and learn to hide things or lie. And even the best parents can't keep up with everything. Plus, usually what is monitored by third-party apps is only caught and shown to the parent after the damage is done. Boys and girls are particularly vulnerable during the ages of 11-14, the main ages I hear fellow Christian parents say they are getting their child their first phone/social media access.
All of this to say, if I have ever influenced you in anything, I would love to influence you in this: delay personal smartphone and social media use for your child.
The more I research it, the more urgent this message feels. I don't have an exact age number to offer. I believe that every family has to determine when for each child according to their unique circumstances, but it's probably far later than your child's peers are getting it. (For example, I can see getting a child a flip phone earlier if you live in Manhattan and they take the bus or subway to school and activities. My son, who is twelve and lives in small-town Iowa with his mama driving him everywhere doesn't need it near as early.) But the longer you can wait, the research proves, the betterânot only for their brains, but for their souls. If your child needs a phone to stay connected to friends via text or keep you updated for activities, consider a smartwatch or a flip/dumbphone, which research shows are not nearly as risky.
But how do you handle the peer pressure?
Here's the deal: As a mom who has a child in public middle school, I know firsthand the pressure is real to get your kid a phone so they don't feel left out socially. Every good parent desires inclusion for their children, and it's so hard to feel like your kiddo is left out! This leads to the No. 1 thing I hear from fellow parents: "Well, we wanted to do it when they were older, but they were so left out. All their friends were texting and getting together and my child never knew about it, so we gave them a phone a little earlier than planned." I get this. I'm not immune to feeling these things either.
But what if we all banded together and instead of it being the norm to give a phone to a child when they turn 12, it became abnormal? What if schools put into place true "no phone zones" policies where everyone's phone was put in a cellphone locker for 7 hours a day? What if parents held their ground, because they knew it wasn't good for their child's development and mental health, and suddenly kids were forced to talk to one another face-to-face, shoulder-to-shoulder?
Before you say "This is impossible, Laura!" it has been done before. Think about seatbelts. What was once annoying and uncomfortable is now normal, and if you don't wear it, it's almost shameful. Think about the anti-smoking campaigns. What was once accepted (smoking and secondhand smoke) are now mostly repulsive to the general public. These are both safety campaigns, that as new research came out, the general public changed their minds on and the entire nation started making different choices.
Cell phones and social media are the new smoking for kids, and together, we can stop this. But it starts in each and every home, with individual parents making the choice for their family. It starts with YOU.
But what if I already got my kid a phone?
One of the questions I asked the panel that night at church was "What would you say to any parent listening right now who is thinking, 'Okay, Iâve heard all this and I want to change my boundaries on how I regulate phone use with my kids to protect them.' Is it possible to change? To go from a smartphone to a dumb phone, for example, or take away social media from your 8th graderânot because they did something wrong, but because you donât believe itâs best for them anymore as youâve learned more?"
And the panelists' answers were great. It was a resounding yes! Just like anything in life, when we know more, we have every right to make changes, particularly as our child's parent. Just like the day you woke up and realized that your child shouldn't only subsist on crackers and fruit snacks, so you started serving protein and vegetables, so too can you change the nutrition of your child's digital diet.
Many parents ask me, "Yeah, how exactly do you do that without your child feeling like it's personal?" In some ways, I'm not sure you can totally avoid that. But I think that happens in a lot of other areas of parenting when our child asks, "Don't you trust me?" and we respond something like, "Yes, but it's the other kids I don't trust."
And in this case, it's the phone and app developers that we don't trust. It's not a deficiency in your child, it's a deficiency in 1) the ways tech companies are turning a blind eye and 2) the sin of humanity online. While it might be hard for your child to understand why their phone usage rules are changing, it doesn't seem to stop us in other areas of parental protection. The majority of parenting often boils down to being willing to be humble and grow and changeâeven when it's hardâand this is no different.
My guess is, if your child really is ready for a smartphone and/or social media, they should also be ready to engage in a thoughtful, mature discussion about the risks and harms. Have them listen to a few podcasts, read a book or two with you, etc. And if, after all of that, they say, "But I don't care! I want it!" That might be a sign to you that they're still not ready.
But if you've seen patterns of maturity, self-control, and responsibility in them, and they perhaps even come to the conclusion that it might be too risky for them, well, that might just be a sign that it's time to gently ease them into the world of smartphones or social media with your guidance and oversight.
There's so much more I could say, but I'm going to let the experts do the talking now. Below I've listed all the sites, books, and tools I've used to become more educated in this area and I encourage you to take time to check them out. The more people we have thinking critically about this, the betterâeven if we come to different final decisions. No matter where you are on phone use and kids, I hope you find some helpful tools and resources in here.
In it with you,
Laura
ps. One other note I couldnât figure out where to put in here. Another thing to monitor with kids is iPad usage. Jonathan Haidt, author of the Anxious Generation, and an expert in the field, talked about how he made a fatal error in his book by not including iPad use. Anecdotally, Iâm hearing from many teachers that there is *something different* about the children in classes 2nd grade and under that they canât quite put their finger on. Language delays, few social skills, and just something feeling âoffâ about many of the childrenâŠthis is what the research says happens to a child with premature screen time.
I know as a parent to a child with disabilities, we have leaned on the iPad heavier than I would like, but this spring, we made a big change to nearly entirely eliminate it from her use. It could be other things, but both my husband and I believe that while it was paiiiiinful at first, itâs made a significant difference in our childâs behavior. Iâm not telling you what to do, but I just want to encourage you to think critically about your decisions and consider all options. Sometimes, it just takes someone bringing it up for a lightbulb to go off.
đ± Smartphone and Tech Resources For Your Family đđŒ
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